Joined in 2023 
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63 About this deal
That contant drip drip drip of undermining is very real, and it takes a terrible toll. I also think it makes it that much harder to pull away when you finally discover the extent of the betrayal–and of course, how many of us really ever do find out the whole scope? dunno about y’all, but I just assume there is more, and nastier, than I know about, and it will always be so. Best way is to just cut the cord and put it ALL behind me. His pathology. In the mean time, neighbors, teachers, family…. be certain to never look good..you are asking for it !
This is not about making cheating consequences more palatable, but about being sensitive to research about what the effects of suicide reporting might be.i finally knew I was in a false reconciliation of the naugahyde type when I looked at our bedside tables: about 10 ‘how to heal from an affair’ books on my side.
Recompense. I think that’s the hardest one to fake. You can’t just squeak by with a couple half ass comments on this one and get a pass. Heh, I got the “I’m sorry, I don’t want anything bad between us” garbage, but the minute the other woman’s name (or the names of the AP’s I found out about later) was mentioned, it turned into “I don’t know who that is. I don’t know what you’re talking about. How could you believe someone else and not me?” Nwrain – I had another academic wife tell me that universities were one of the few “good old boy” institutions left where women willing dropped trou to get ahead.
Over on Ask Amy, on washingtonpost.com, I am one of the few who is telling a “friend” to SPEAK UP about cheating she blatantly witnessed. It’s a real Switzerland over there, and so awful. As the daughter of a father who killed himself by shooting himself in the head I also disagree that CL should change the wording to “died by suicide.”
Chump Nation saved you and you tried to be supportive of a friend who was cheating on her husband?! Whom you claim to have loved?!! But, if you betrayed your partner and your kids and your community and everyone who loved and trusted you by constructing a double life of deceit and betrayal, yeah, I think that qualifies for a “bad person award” And I tried, Lord, how I tried, to get him to tell me what he wanted out of life, marriage, work, you name it. He not only lied to me about it, he lied to his therapist. I mean, this guy had, at one point, 3 women propping him up: wife, mistress, therapist. He said, “but we were really happy then, right?”I see the betrayal as a way for the “friends” to justify their relationship with the ‘ex’. It doesn’t bother me. In fact, provides a great opportunity to make a statement. It’s pretty remarkable the writer would protect a cheater when she was cheated on herself.Hasn’t learned anything at all yet I guess about the deep damage cheating does to ppl or even herself. But I refuse to be upset with myself. On the one hand, yes, I could have been with someone who truly cared about it, and all my love would not have been wasted.
I’ve kinda given up trying to figure him out although as time moves on I realize that he has some serious disturbances. For quiet a while I thought it was us just not being compatible, being too young when married, etc, ….but I woke up when I left him and he’s repeated the same pattern with women that came after our divorce – This is while actively planning my discard… It looks like he already had my replacement lined up during this time. You may decide you want no longer to be a bad person, and work toward changing that….in your future life. (Not with me!) But, if you betrayed your partner and your kids and your community and everyone who loved and trusted you by constructing a double life of deceit and betrayal, yeah, I think that qualifies for a “bad person award”–being in the Boston area, I guess that would be a “Whitey” (as in Bulger). As several people have now pointed out, suicide prevention charities suggest trigger warnings and concealing methods of death when reporting on suicide. It isn’t difficult to grasp why” Emotionally, he was EXTREMELY high maintenance. If I didn’t tell him EVERY DAY how smart, wonderful, and amazing he was, he pouted. We waited 11 years to have kids (to get him through grad school and post doc), but he left 100% of the parenting to me, and then became jealous by the amount of time and energy I spent on the children (because I had NO HELP).
If I was aware someone was being abused by another, I would absolutely share that information with that spouse. He had a right to know. (I sure would have wanted some brave person with a moral compass to tell me, would have given me hope for the world.)
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